It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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