So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
