I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
