it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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