at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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