im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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