I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
