I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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