why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize