Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
not ubering you a puppy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
