i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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