I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think I sprained my soul last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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