hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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