SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
