like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
