update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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