I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
