Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
