My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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