Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
