if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
