I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
