I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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