Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
