if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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