We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
