i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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