I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
