I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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