She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
