I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize