Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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