Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
