when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
