the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize