u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
