Whatcha textin bout Willis?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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