tonight lets celebrate not being married
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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