a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize