I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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