He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
