I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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