No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
