listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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