did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
