Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
