I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
