do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
