I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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