I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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