I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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