I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
