The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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