remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
