id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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