allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
