you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
