Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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