I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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