i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
