There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize