the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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