remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
